My husband has one of those jobs where one month he works day shift and the next month he works nights. Tonight is his first night shift of the month. I always have a hard time the first night he works. My anxiety always is heightened and I end up staying up late a night and sleeping very little. Luckily it's a Friday night so I will have a small opportunity to sleep in.
Depression and Anxiety is truly a mental battle. I have had been diagnosed with both 11 years ago, but I have noticed symptoms since I was about 12 years old. I do not ever compare myself to others suffering the same thing, because it effects everyone differently.
I have lost many friends because of it, and I was unknown at the time it was what was causing me to lose my friends. I have not rekindled the friendships I have lost because I still suffer with both depression and anxiety.
I look at depression and anxiety as people. It helps me in my head battle them, placing them as a person. Depression and anxiety even have a face. It's my face but a face of how they make me feel. Anxiety looks like someone screaming loudly, hands clawing at the face, leaving deep scratches. Depression looks like someone crying uncontrollably, not able to move and just wanting to get so mad and let the hate I feel in myself take over.
Just like with my son's ADHD, a lot of people don't understand how I feel having anxiety and depression. I am currently on a medication for them, it's a new one and in a couple weeks I have to go back and see if it helps.
I get asked when I express that I have anxiety and depression if I am suicidal. I will give my 100% completely honest answer. I am not having any suicidal thoughts, and I honestly believe it's because of my kids. I know my kids need me and they know I need them. They make me happy, they keep my mind busy, and I love listening to them. (Except when my daughter asks 6 months early about Christmas toys).
YES you can have depression and not be completely suicidal.
I also get asked what could of caused my depression and anxiety. I think it has to do with multiple things throughout my life. I was born with a physical disability. I immediately started having surgeries. I have had so many surgeries my mother couldn't even keep up with them in a notebook. I was teased in elementary about my physical appearance or wearing a leg brace. And at the time I just cried about it all the time instead of standing up for myself. I was in 6th grade and remember a boy looked at my left hand (which has 2 fingers which are short in length because of my Amniotic Band Syndrome) and he told me plastic surgery could totally fix that and I should have it done soon.
I also was in a horrible relationship with this guy on and off for 3 years. So many things happened at the end, and it sucked so much. There is many things I haven't told anyone about that happened because its not something I like talking about. During that horrible relationship I was also in a multi-vehicle car wreck. I was not in the worst part of the wreck, but there is a lot I remember. After the initial two vehicles hit hard head on, a vehicle in front of me was sideways where the passenger side was facing me. I was driving my car and I couldn't stop it because I was raining so hard. I tried to turn the wheel but I still slid straight on to the vehicle. One of my memories is seeing the woman in the passenger seat horrified look on her face as she seen me unable to stop heading straight on her side. After I eventually got out of my own vehicle, one of the worst off vehicles, well, the passengers were mostly children. One woke up first and was bleeding out of his ears. I found out a little bit later a 6 year old girl was thrown out of the vehicle and passed away.
I went to a therapist after the wreck, but I got more agitated and it really didn't feel like it was helping at all so I dropped out of it and dealt with it my own way. Was it easy? No. Everyone handles things differently.
When I met my husband, he helped a lot with how I felt about myself. One of my favorite things he does is when I am upset or dealing with anxiety, he helps distract me. I am not saying he completely understands what I go through, but when he does everything he can to make me laugh when I am down, or will just hold me when I need to be held. Little things help.
I honestly believe I will be battling my depression and anxiety for the rest of my life since I have been dealing with it since I was much younger. I have been trying to use my spare time in doing craft projects and unfortunately I have to wait till next week to get all my supplies in so I can start this new craft project I am so excited about doing.
Well, I better get back to watching peppa pig with my 2 year old, he is already told me about Georges "Mr. Dinosaur, GRR!"
Goodnight lovelies.
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